Great funny quotes

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. Joey Adams

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields