- War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
- Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
- Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
- Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
- Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
- Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
- Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
- All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
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